Grief is a lonely process. Your days and nights are filled with memories. Sometimes guilt gets in the way. Sometimes you feel like “What’s the point?” You don’t like being alone and you don’t want to think about getting involved with anyone else either.

I kept dreaming about him.. three days in a role.. no kidding.. Why am I so fucked up?

He's still alive on this planet, but i do not know why must he pretend like he never existed? Like he is gone far far away, to the outer space, where nobody can reach him and all i can do is to grieve for him. Writing him numerous letter that all ended up in my drafts, still sending him regards even if I know I will never get a reply, dialing the number which no longer in service, looking at his pictures and smile like an idiot. Tell me about it, what kind of a life I'm living.

And here I am now, like a widow. Mourning and longing for the faded love.

If I have a chance to start all over again, no matter how much I love him, I will choose not to have met him in my life, because you have no idea, what kind of aftermath I'm dealing with. Trying to forget, but can't. Trying to die, but don't. Seeking for the missing self, but no end is near. Nothing more to say, but go on.

PS: I'm fine, it's just tears.. no big deal really, it's not the first time.. I will be alright, it just the matter of time.