I feel like a coward.. How am I suppose to start a conversation with her? Cervical cancer 2nd stage.. My whole family was traumatized.. well.. certainly, we still are.. not knowing what's the outcome and the effects of the surgery.

I feel like hugging her and telling her, how much i love her, and wanting to calm her and tell her she will be alright.. But I just can't do it.. I'm afraid I'll break down badly and not be able to pretend in front of her..

The moment my mother told me about my grandmother's health, the first thing that strikes me was what my grandmother told me early of this year.. "Aiyo.. popo (nanny) has been looking after you since you're a kid.. of course i would want to attend your graduation ,wedding and see you having a family.. But, I don't know how long more i can live, and i will definitely hate myself for not being able to do all that.. if god really wants me to leave, I can't do anything much, do I? Sigh.. pray hard.. wish hard.. " ... that was the first thing that came into my mind..

What should I do? how am I suppose to tell her.. I dare not tell her about how i feel, I'm afraid i would make her even tense and worry, but by not telling her anything, I'm worry I won't have a chance in the future..

I'm such a loser, coward, fool, jerk.. I hate myself for not being able to do anything..

I dreamed of you last night, I heard your voice, but your face was blurred and when I woke up in the morning, I sighed and wished to see your smiling face again.. Went to school as usual, did the same routines, but today was slightly different.. I accepted my friends invitation to celebrate POW's birthday in Sunway.. I consider this is special , because i barely stay back and hang out with my friends ever since the fall semester started.. Thought of not going in the last minute, but i still ended up in Wendy's..However, I didn't stay for long.. and when i finally decided to leave, I had a deja vu.. and.. it was about yesterday dream.. I supposed.. I didn't bother much and keep walking ahead, and god must be kidding.. you're just right before me, few metres away.. a solid you..

I saw you.. and i believe you did the same.. non of us avoid nor approach.. what does that means? Do we.. really have to behave like this? Something I hated so much and constantly asking you in the past "Can we not ended up like a passer by, even though we can no longer be together?"

I don't know.. I was devastated.. the moment i saw you.. I was tensed, not knowing what to do.. I hope time could stop, so I can have a better look at the current you, you changed your hairstyle.. you're wearing your glasses again.. and your smile, charming as ever.. but then again.. The "me" inside my head took over the "me" inside my heart.. I'm forced to smile and walk passed you.. pursuing myself that I'm cool, but you.. will never know how hard it was for me, pretending not seeing you..

P.S. Perhaps I'm not ready yet, and I still have this very intense feelings..

Hi people.. just came back from the Celcom X-berry launch party @ republic.. The party is awesome, hmm.. it just took some time to heat up the atmosphere.. but overall is fine, DJ's, Hip hop, rap, r&b, beat box, free flow of beer and liquors.. many many more.. Also, special thanks to bok for tagging me along to the party.. =p













P.s. Tell me I lost weight.. XD and listen up to Antonio Carlos Jobim's songs, it's fantastic!

You deleted your account? Why? What's gonna happen to the passionate diary? There are so many thoughts running in my mind.. But.. instead of cracking my head and finding answers that i will never get, i asked myself a few questions, and i begin to have some ideas on what i should do next.. hopefully..

Should I continue on writing in that diary? That diary have been with me (us) since the day we're together, but you are no longer here.. (well.. in fact you left a long time ago, but your account was still remaining at that point.. but now, not anymore.) So.. what is it.. right now? The idea of knowing you will no longer access the diary, makes me sad, extremely sad, because somehow i wished, hoped you will go through them one more time. But now.. no more imagination, no more self-deception or living in the past.. you have decided for me, decision is finalized.. Memories, secrets, words we had.. you have buried them.. or in another word, you abandoned them, nothing worth reminisce? Is that so?

Seriously, I never realized your name was gone in the 'Team members', i thought of re-adding/re-inviting you.. but then again.. I hesitated.. and I concluded i shall not challenge your will power, and so let it be.. if that's our destiny, like how you used to tell me in the past, " babe, just let things be.."

I will still continue writing in the passionate diary, with more feelings.. at least I can 100% confess and being truthful to myself.. not needing to fake or to worry anyone found out my dirty little secrets. It's not a bad idea after all,yea?

p.s. Now.. I'm the only one that remains.. 18 years I've known myself, but I ought to know myself more to be able to love myself more.. the passionate diary will still be the passionate diary..

Labels: S.H.M.I.L.Y

It all started less than an hour ago, when Mr.17 look into my eyes, not doing anything.. just looking and telling me how beautiful I am, how much he love me and how adorable i can be.. and YOU, you interrupted us.. you came into my mind, reminded me of the good old days, with you holding my hands and saying, "I love you babe" with your eyes looking into mine.. I smiled, and i guess he thinks that was for him. Pathetic huh? Who? Me, for not being able to let go or Him, for not knowing anything?

He gave me a kiss, a peck on my lips, but instead of kissing back, I closed my eyes and imagine that it's you, but my imagination didn't last long.. the scent dragged me back to reality, it's not issey miyake, it was an unfamiliar scent, strong and cool, something that I won't get used to it. At that very instant, my eyes were wet, feeling devastate.

p.s. I had a sense of an impending doom.. or it's already on going?