It's ADP prom, though I'm not the seniors, but what matter the most is SHOWING OFF MY DRESS.. Isn't that what proms about? Heh.. don't feel offended, yea? My girls and I decided to get a table before our holidays start and.. well the price is quiet reasonable though.. 5 stars hotel, grand ballroom, hmm food was alright and it only cost RM 125, way cheaper than my high school prom.
Instead of setting my hair in the saloon and getting my makeup done with the makeup artist, I did it all myself.. wow it really does save a lot. Last but not least, Official announcement!!! I'M BACK ON THE MARKET, BOYS!!

Only if you would sit back and read.. you will know this blog it's full of him.. and you will know how silly and naive i was like before..

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”

I thought I truly understand that.. But after all.. I guess me and him had failed to do so..

I've been like this for awhile.. every time when i look at the calendar, time, clock or anything related to time and date i will have a strange thought in my mind. I'll be thinking, how i wish i can alter time, what will i be doing now if this was few months ago, what is gonna happen to me in the next few months, if i have a chance will i make that decision and.. .. weird and unusual things seems to flow on my mind all the time.

This is not the first break up i go through, but this time round, it's harder than before.. I have forgotten how to live on a single life..

Well.. It's not that i never try, but it's ain't working here.. I picked up violin, got back to study music again, contacted few of my old friends, read up few books and ... ...MORE. But.. the feeling is not the same anymore. Why is it? Perhaps, i have no one to share how i feel. When something happened, no matter good or bad, he will be the first one to know, and he will be the first one who feel for me. But now.. haha.. i don't know.. the feeling is so weird.. not anymore.. someone who used to be so close and dear to you, and suddenly *pfft* it went missing. Although he is standing right in front of you, but the feeling is not the same anymore. So near yet so far.

I never want to disappoint you all.. I will be alright.. All i need is some time.. just bear me a while more.. I have to.. if I don't love myself who is going to love me,right?

I heard that.. little voice inside me saying,"..be strong Mandy.."

The fact that he's gone has slowly digested in my mind, but I never like the loneliness for i wake up every morning and night before i sleep..

Instead of standing close; carefully determining each details in the picture, I decided to take few steps back and to see the big picture.. I stopped thinking all the possibilities, stop thinking what' s the truth.. because I told myself "Why bother? Truth is not gonna make you feel better."

I say i want to move on.. and yes I want to.. and I am doing it. I stopped thinking why, I stopped blaming, I stopped asking for opinion, I stopped wishing to see him, I stopped felling guilty. Can't do it in a day.. but it's already in progress.

I find it hard to concentrate on my studies.. that's why i decided to write down what's going on my mind and hopefully i can really transfer what's on my mind to writing so i can have a peace of mind.

I feel guilty for ruining his life.. I always tell him study is our first priority and i really mean it. But.. i can't believe i screw his academic and a chance for him to further study.

I feel sorry, sorry for letting him to put me in first place and asking him to stay with him. Well.. i really sorry.. I really never notice I am constantly putting weights on his shoulder.. until he broke down in front of me.

I feel bad, because the love he gave me was unconditional and it is very strong.. and I feel very bad that not giving him the same. The truth is I can't. I can't even love myself how am i suppose to shed some love for him?

I am angry at myself, because I can't do anything besides seeing my love one to suffer and to go through all the obstacle alone.

I hate myself, hate myself for taking his love for granted.

My mental is gonna collapse soon.. Are we equal now? (Academic x Health)

He said, "I don't know why am I stupid enough to get everything from you.","It's always you you you and you".. when I heard that my heart aches.. till then I only realize he really love me and I was very important to him. He don't know why and how can he bear with me for such a long time.. Well.. I don't know how to tell him.. that is what we called LOVE, we're blinded by it.

I was really blind, until yesterday.. i finally had a peace of my mind for myself.. and slowly heard what my inner me has to tell me.. "What if.. what he told you was just a lie to cover his guilt? "

Will he be able to forget what we had?
If he have a new girl in future, will he still remember what we had?
Will he remember the good memories we had together instead of the bad one?

Someone tell me why, why I keep wanting to know what is it.. it is very ironic.. i want him to move on yet i don't want him to forget what we had.

I starting to doubt what i believe..

"This can be a trial for both of us or the end of both of us. It is up to how we define it."-Mandy-

As usual, he's the first person who came into my mind when i'm awake. But.. I already learned the fact that we're broken up and ready to move on the the next phrase of life.

The reason I leave you is because I really love you.. You made me understand this,

"If you really love a person, you must learn how to let go."

.. and I really really love you and I seriously don't know what more can I do besides letting you to slip through my fingers.

p.s. you turned me into a better person, thank you.

Recently a strange question pop up in my mind, "Do I really love him or I just love being in love".. I actually told him that I enjoy being in love and in the same time I appreciate his accompany. So what is it? IRONIC. Then, after calming down and think over it again. I was wrong, It's not I love being in love. It's him that makes me enjoy being in love.

.. I hope it won't be too late right now, but what matter the most is I am feeling better. Few hours ago, I was crying stop crying and then start crying again. The first thing I did when I came home was to pack everything and to lock it in my drawer. I came through lots of stuffs we had together,like rings, letters, souvenirs and many many things not forgetting the best couple banner way back in the high school prom.. Believe me in this, it was a tough process. Every sentence i read in the cards he gave me was another reminder of my heart cracking sound.

The messages he sent me in my phone.. wow.. that's really a killer.. every simple "How are you babe?", "Love you always","drive carefully babe"... ... ... ... (I can't do this).. every simple messages, it is sharp enough to pierce through my heart. I regret, regret for not paying much attention on him.. regret for.. many many things that i did, in the past I really don't know that he was struggling silently - alone.. not until he told me recently...

I really can't continue this...

Dear wei zhen,

Back to where i from.. heartache