Posted on 12 of August 2009, rainy day, zhen's 18 birthday (From my personal journal)

"I miss you Zhen.. Happy birthday.. I love you.. I still do.." I whispered silently on my bed last night, imagining he was just right here with me.. Hugging me from back and singing me, my favorite lullaby (love - Nat King Cole).. I cried before I sleep, not long but I had a pain in my chest.. I don't know why..

I have never imagine me myself being in a mode like this right now..

I.. someone who was so close to you.. someone who was so dear to you.. someone who always care about you.. someone who always wish to be with you.. someone who never wants to forget you..

Why did I do to deserve all these? Saw you on facebook just now, saw all the messages you replied to those who wishes you "happy birthday".. Without a second thought, i open your chat window.. staring the small little profile picture of yours.. wondering, hesitating, struggling.. whether to start a conversation with you..

But then again.. the lilttle inside me stop me from doing so, but the feeling is so strong.. I hardly resist, I want to be with you at this moment, I want to know how are you doing, I want to know are you happy.. However, when I look back.. you're gone.. the only thing appeared on my sight was a "offline" word, but it sounded more like a "let go" to me.. It hurts, tears rolling down, but at the mean time, i feel release.. How ironic..

It's just a brief moment, less than 5 minutes perhaps.. But there were many things running through my mind.. thinking on how to start a conversation with you.. "hey, happy birthday?", "How are you doing ? =)", "Are we cool right now?", "Guess you still need more time".. and I realized that's all bullshit.. The only thing.. I wish to know is, "Do you still feel for me?" and the only thing i would want you to know is "I do, I really care about you"

Really.. we're both like passer by right now.. or may be worst? Recalling all those things we said "I wish we will never be like a passer by, when we part one day.." and clearly i still remember your words, "Babe.. That won't happen.." Can't believe it's happening right now.. Memory towards you starting to fade.. that's why sometimes It really makes me wonder, did we ever exist?